This Is The Secret To Getting The Results You Want

Growing up, my life was fairly carefree and easy up until about high school. Then so many difficult things seemed to happen back to back. I assumed that because my life prior to this brought me happiness that when chaos and the hard times started, my natural emotional response had to be sadness or heartache. Opposite circumstances required opposite feelings, right?

It wasn't until later that I discovered everything I feel is actually a choice and that my feelings are not based on my circumstances. I discovered I have power over my emotions. As a certified life coach I've been trained to understand the impact of thoughts on my feelings. Fellow life coach, Brooke Castillo, created an easy model that is all about managing thoughts.

Circumstances:

The first part in the model is circumstances––things that happen in the world that we can't control. Things like what those around us do or say, our past, the traffic on the way to work, or the happiness of those around you. Circumstances are facts that can't be changed by anything you do, yet this is typically the area of the model we try to change the most!

Thoughts:

Our thoughts are things in the mind that can be controlled. We can choose whatever thoughts we want to have about our circumstances. That's why two people can be going through the exact same circumstances but have different responses. It's because they are choosing different thoughts for themselves.

Feelings:

Our thoughts cause our feelings and feelings are vibrations in the body caused only by our thoughts about our circumstances. If we want to feel joy, contentment, happiness, then we have to choose thoughts that support that -- despite our circumstances.

For example, if our circumstance is that a person showed up late to dinner (a fact), then we have a choice about what we think in response. If we choose the thought: "I can't believe he's late. That's so disrespectful not to show up on time." Then that will give us a feeling of disrespect or frustration. However, if we choose to think, "Him being late is not a reflection on me. I am looking forward to our dinner together." Then you are giving yourself the opportunity to feel enjoyment during your time together.

See? The circumstance remained the same but the feeling you give yourself you can control.

Actions:

Our feelings cause the actions we will take. Our actions or behaviors are caused by our feelings based on our thoughts.

Let's go back to the example above. Your friend is late for dinner. If you choose the first thought: "I can't believe he's late. That's so disrespectful not to show up on time." Then your action, as a result, will likely be saying something that's passive-aggressive or not being yourself. Or maybe you just shut down altogether! Alternatively, if you choose to think: "Him being late is not a reflection on me. I am looking forward to our dinner together," then your actions will be aligned and you will be present, kind, and an enjoyable dinner date! See how that works?

Results:

Finally, our actions cause our life results. The results are evidence of our original thought. When we think negatively, we feel negative, so we take actions that give us negative results proving to ourselves that the negative thought was "true."

If we are passive-aggressive to our friend, the friend could become disrespectful proving our original thought. However, if our thought is that we are going to enjoy dinner, then you likely will and that result will prove your thought.

When we are experiencing something, we all interpret that experience in some way and often we interpret it differently. That interpretation becomes our thoughts, which is why so many of us have different thoughts about the same circumstances.

Let me give you another example...

Over the past few months, my husband and I have been watching the Harry Potter series for the first time. (Yes, I know we're pretty late to the game on this).

But in one of the Harry Potter movies, Ron Weasley is about to play a competitive game. He wasn't very good at playing this game and was worried about losing and letting his team down. During one scene, he is eating a meal with Harry Potter right before the match, and Harry pulled out a luck potion. Harry acted as if he had put it in Ron's drink. Ron made eye contact with Harry as if to ask, “Did you just put that potion in my drink?” and Harry gave him this look confirming it. Ron quickly drank it and went straight to play the game. He ended up having an amazing game and they won! However, the movie goes on to show that Harry never actually poured the potion in Ron's drink at all.

It was his thoughts! He was most likely picturing himself at his very best and, therefore, he played using his potential instead of his limitations. That makes a difference. No, I'm not implying if we think something hard enough we can make it happen the way Ron did playing a perfect game, but what I am trying to get across is how powerful our thoughts are in our everyday lives. Instead of putting so much effort into changing your circumstances or changing the people around you, try managing your thoughts. That's the easiest thing you can do to bring about change for yourself.

We have to choose the feelings we want for ourselves and create thought patterns that honor those feelings. This does not mean it isn't okay to have feelings of anger, grief, sadness, disappointment or any other feeling that have a "negative" reputation. Any and all feelings should be allowed in our lives and accepted for what they are!

However, we can't sit in those feelings forever. We have to choose better for ourselves and come out on the other side. We have to be able to recognize how to come out from under those feelings when they become all-consuming. And it's not by changing what we are experiencing...it's by changing our thoughts about what we are experiencing.

1. “Thank you, stress, for showing me I need to slow down and take care of myself."

3. “Thank you, anger, for showing me that I'm capable of finding calm and practicing self-control.”

It takes so much practice––I'm practicing all the time, and I still have so much further to go. I don't know anyone who does this perfectly, but I do know those who do it well and they're creating amazing lives for themselves.

Now that you know to focus more on your thoughts than your circumstances I challenge you to practice this throughout the week. Be a "noticer" of your thoughts, and start to replace the ones that leave a negative impact on your life.

To support your practice, below is a printable worksheet of the model you can use to help you change your thoughts. When you face a problem, plug it into the model. If the problem is an action, plug it into the "action" slot, and then work your way backward identifying what feeling you might have had before the action and then what thought you had that caused the feeling. All of those will be plugged into the "unintentional thought pattern" section. Then jump into the "intentional thought pattern" section to rewrite what you could change to give you a better result! Email me at [email protected] if you have any questions.

If you are looking for support as you learn the self-coaching model and how to apply it, that is just one of the many tools I offer as a coach. Let me help you learn to manage your thoughts so that you can use your mind as a tool to support your success. Click here for more information about my services.

This is the Secret to Getting the Results You Want

Circumstances:

Thoughts:

Feelings:

Actions:

Results:

Two Step